Written by: Scott Silveri
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Christoph Päper
[Scene: Central Perk. All except Chandler, plus Emma.]
Phoebe: Oh hey you guys, I couldnt get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead.
Joey: Thursday? But thats Halloween.
Phoebe: So?
Joey: [Its just] So spooky, thats all.
Ross: So, so, is Mike coming to dinner?
Phoebe: No! Its my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Uch, I get mad at him, but I think its a little to soon to show my true colors.
Rachel: Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. (to Ross:) Which one of us should go to dinner?
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel!
Ross: Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Ross: Thanks, I put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift.
Phoebe: Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all havent been together the six of us in such a long time.
Monica: What are you talking about? Were all together right now.
Rachel: Um, Mon, Chandlers not here.
Monica: Oh, dear god!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Tulsa, a conference room. Chandler is chairing a group of eight people.]
Chandler: Good morning everyone, its nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? (colleague raises hand) Yes, Ken is it?
Ken: Thats right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?
Chandler: (laughs) Well, dont believe everything you hear, Ken. (both turning away to files) But yeah, thats true. Alright, lets get started, by take a look at last quarters figures. (The female next to Chandler starts smoking, towards her:) Ah, Claudia, arent you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses ass?
Claudia: Im sorry. Does the smoke bother you?
Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I cant remember why. (to everyone:) Youre not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?
Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma its legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. (passing the pack) Would you like one?
Chandler: Alright, lo look. I dont smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, its fine. (everyone lights up) So you all smoke then? Thats almost rude, that Im not.
Ken: Thats not true. If you dont wanna smoke
Chandler: (loud) Ken, please! No, I cant, I cant smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
Ken: Im sorry, but isnt your wife back in New York?
Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cigarette)
[Scene: The Bings. Monica in bathrobe, merely covered. Someones knocking at the door.]
Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (Its obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)
Monica: (opening the door) Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Monicas breasts.)
Monica: Hmhmm. (ties up)
Phoebe: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my ??? outfit that cant contain my breasts.
Monica: This is not, what Im wearing. Im ovulating and Chandlers gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner.
Phoebe: Ohh. Oh wait! (Jis) you guys wont be late for my dinner, will you?
Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. Well probably be the first ones there.
Phoebe: kay, see you there. Happy humping! (outside meeting Chandler.) Hey hey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, dont people know, youre not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.
Phoebe: You smoked!
Chandler: No! I just happened tdo a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos.
Phoebe: (smells at him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Chandler: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound and the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Chandler: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (embarrassed) Im gonna go. (leaves to stairs)
Chandler: (getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!
Monica: (naughty in doorway) Welcome home. Ive missed you. join me in the bedroom?
Chandler: No thanks, Im good.
Monica: (comes over) O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you?
Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so Im feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.
Monica: You dont need a shower.
Chandler: (still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.
Monica: What do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell smoke. Huhdid you smoke?
Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two pack a a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But its over, I made a decision, Im not gonna smoke anymore.
Monica: (gets a pack out of his jacket)
Chandler: But, those are for you.
[Scene: Ross and Rachels. Ross phones, Rachel and Emma are there.]
Ross: Alright, well just, uh, see when you get here. Bye. (hangs up) Huh, that was my mom, shes stuck in terrible traffic.
Rachel: Okay, well thats now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.
Ross: Oh, what were the other two?
Rachel: Well, lets see. The first one is: I dont want to. And, you know, Im not going.
Ross: I know, its the first time, were leaving the baby and hey, I know how hard it is for you, but but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is gonna be with her. Shes great with kids.
Rachel: She is?
Ross: Ya.
Rachel: What about (?) Monica.
Ross: Hey, you only heard Monicas side of that. That little fatso was a terror.
Rachel: Ish. I just dont think I can bear it.
Ross: Rachel, I know that you can. And you should.
Rachel: Uch.
Ross: Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why dont you, why dont you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my mom and then Ill meet you there.
Rachel: Oh-A.
Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. (Slang right?)
Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.
Ross: Im serious. Cmon, you should go. Here. (shoves her outside, while she tries to stay) No, uh-uh, just go.
Rachel: What Oh! (points inside)
Ross: No! No, you know what? (closes the door) You [cant get in there] (?), the babys fine, now squam (?). Yeah, [I told you a|Tell your] story walking. (?)
Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my keys.
Ross: Oh, (door is locked) holy molly are we in a pickle now.
[Scene: The restaurant. Phoebe and Joey are sitting alone at a table for six.]
Phoebe: Where is everyone? Theyre forty minutes late.
Joey: I know, u-uch.
Phoebe: Im starving. I know we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day.
Joey: What about me, he? Only had one lunch today.
Waiter: (with British accent) Soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.
Waiter: Right. We do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable.
Joey: No, theyre comin, were waitin right here.
Phoebe: Joseph! (to waiter) Thou neednt worry, they shant be long.
Waiter: Its just that we do have some large parties waiting.
Phoebe: One really does have a stick up ones ass. Doesnt one?
[Scene: The Bings.]
Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, its chilling.
Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.
Monica: So what? Dont you have any will power?
Chandler: Will power? Ive watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs (?) without taking the tin foil off.
Monica: You said that was sexy!
Chandler: kay, look: Can we just drop this? Im not gonna smoke again.
Monica: Thats right, because I forbid you to smoke again.
Chandler: You forbid me?
Monica: Mhmm.
Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?
Monica: Dont joke (?) with me, okay? Im very, very upset right now.
Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: Then, I might as well (grabs the cigarettes) do this (lights one, exhales). Not really sure what to do now.
Monica: Well, Ill tell you what were gonna do: We are already late for Phoebes birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, were gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.
Chandler: Fine. What!?
Monica: Sex! This is the last day Im ovulating, and when we dont do it now, well have to wait till next month. (walks towards bedroom)
Chandler: You serious? (follows)
Monica: Oh yeah!
Chandler: Right, fine, Ill do it, but no talking.
Monica: Huh, and no cuddling.
Chandler: And no kissing your neck.
Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that
Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.
[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachels.]
Ross: Okay, well the ??? is not home.
Rachel: No. Uch.
Ross: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys.
Rachel: Alright, I cant, I cant wait that long. You have to do somethingknock that door down!
Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, y you know, everything is gonna be fine. The babys sleeping.
Rachel: What if she jumped out the bassinet?
Ross: Cant hold her own head up, but yeah jumped.
Rachel: Oh my god, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You never cooked since 1996. (Actually Rachel cooked in 609 - TOW Ross Got High, first aired 1999-11-25.)
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if theres a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think youre right. I think listen, listen!
Rachel: Ubb.
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. (previously scared Rachel turns away) No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty birds aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still up lays (?) are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if thats true.
[Scene: The restaurant with still just Phoebe and Joey.]
Waiter: Hello.
Phoebe & Joey: Hey.
Waiter: Its been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.
Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.
Waiter: You cant order until your entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy.
Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But theres still some food left on their place, okay, whats the restaurants policy about people eatin that?
Waiter: Estrangement (?).
Joey: But it happens? (waiter leaves) Im gotta go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: No, you cant go. No-no-no, I cant hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave.
Joey: If you ask me to stay, Ill pee. (leaves)
Maitre D: Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side) Miss? (she turns again) Miss!
Phoebe: Okay, fine, Ill move. Alright, you dont have to manhandle me. (gets up) Where? (he points at a smaller table) Okay. Thank you. Wach.
Joey: (returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebes chair) Pheebs, who the helluhuhh!
[Scene: The Bings bedroom, Chandler is undressing, Monica in bed already.]
Monica: Spend more time with the tie. Thatll make a baby.
Chandler: Look, I cant do this. I cant make luv to you while were fighting this way.
Monica: Oh sure, now youre Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncles funeral
Chandler: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, Im not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?
Monica: No, youre right. Mnya, we shouldnt do it like this. Huch. For what its worth, Im, Im sorry. I shouldnt have come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world.
Chandler: Mean it?
Monica: Yah.
Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, I Im not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)
Monica: Dyou want to?
Chandler: Yeah, lets celebrate life!
Monica: kay.
[Scene: Ms. Geller, Rachel and Ross storm into the apartment.]
Rachel: Och, god. (seeing Emma) Oh, thank god, youre okay. Im so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again. Uch.
Ross: Great. So lets get going?
Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, Im never leaving her again.
Ms. Geller: I understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out: Mommy, Im a girl, take me with you.
Ross: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.
[Scene: Bings in bed, finished.]
Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.
Monica: You know what? Lets not talk.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking.
Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettesno big deal.
Monica: Oh, blablablabaybaybay.
Chandler: Leave it.
Monica: I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you said you wouldnt have sex with me while were fighting.
Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?
Monica: Thats right, I got mine.
Chandler: I feel so used.
[Scene: Restaurant, still just the not-couple.]
Phoebe: Well, I guess theyre not coming. You wanna just order?
Joey: Thank you. (stands up and kisses her lips.) Waiter! lright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just said means snails. (Hope, *I* kept up.)
Waiter: Erdoes not.
Phoebe: Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?
Waiter: Oh, theyre both exclus
Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.
Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as its ready? Appetizers, entrees, we dont care.
Ross & Rachel: (entering) Hey, hi, hi!
Waiter: Ill just wait to put your order in.
Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?
Ross: Im so sorry
Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we
Joey: Thats a great storycan I eat it?
Ross: And then Rachel wasnt sure she could leave the baby.
Rachel: N-it wasnt easy, but its your birthday and I did what I got to do.
Phoebe: And thats Judy over there at the bar with Emma?
Rachel: Oh honey, this is for the best, thus Im not distracted, worrying about Emma, how shes doing at home and Im being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up!
Ross: What?
Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spi Judy! Look alive, Judy! (they sit down) Thank you.
Ross: Thanks. Oh.
Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have?
Joey: (mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.
Ross: Yknow this ??? is incredible.
Joey: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.
Ross: Okay, Ill have the fixed salad and the duck.
Rachel: Yah, Ill have the soup and the salmon.
Joey: And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because
Monica: (entering with husband) Happy birthday!
Joey: Son of a bitch!
Phoebe: Wher-where have you been?
Monica: Well, we had a little fight.
Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed.
Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (being sat down) Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isnt it? How dyou get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.
Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the manipulative shrew.
Waiter: Ill give you another minute.
Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs after the waiter)
Ross: Rach, cmon, Emma is fine. Youre turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.
Rachel: Yguys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to the beauty salon?
Chandler: You mean the lully story?
Ross: (childish) Huh-huh, they already know it.
Phoebe: You guys, weve been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.
Joey: (returned) No, no, its okay, I already told the waiter what they want.
Monica: Why would you do that?
Joey: Chandler, control your woman!
Rachel: (lifts for a toast) Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw what?
Rachel: N-no, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Moms here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the babys sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: s a good toast.
Rachel: (to Ross) Could you please get her attention?
Ross: W-oa Mommy! (gestures to his not understanding mother)
Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for gods sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody scared) Im sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt (?) the hideousness (?) that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didnt even have the courtesy to call. (her cellular rings) Well, its too late now.
Ross: Well, ??? think thats us?
Phoebe: well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?
Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is going on with you two?
Monica: Uch, you see, Im ovulating.
Chandler: Oh yeah, thats what she says. But maybe youre not ovulating at all, maybe its just a clever ruse to get me into bed.
Monica: Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just cant get enough.
Chandler: (to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.
Joey: So? Did have sex, right?
Chandler: Whats the matter with me? Why Im such a girl?
Phoebe: (returns) Okay, that was Mike.
Rachel: Phoebe, hi, were so sorry. Youre totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.
Phoebe: Mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. Huh, nkay, Im gonna take off.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, Im not tnot that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.
Rachel: Oh thank god, if Phoebes going, can we please take Emma home?
Ross: You know, I think thats a good ideaour babysitter just pounded in another Chardonnet. (both get up) Bye, yguys.
Monica: Bye.
Joey: See ya. Well, this is just us.
Monica & Chandler: Mhum.
Monica: So, Im, Im probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try?
Chandler: So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?
Joey: Do, do you gonna do it now?
Monica: We dont have much time. Once the egg descended the oviduct
Joey: No-ohoh. (the Bings leave, the waiter comes)
Maitre D: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.
Joey: Nah, just me. All alone. (all the food is served) Dinner for six for one, uh, you boys are about to see something really special.
Closing Credits
[Scene: continues, Joey finished everything.]
Waiter: How was everything, sir?
Joey: Excellent. The shrew in particular was exclusive.
Waiter: Well, I hope, you got some room left.
Waiters: (with birthday cake, singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear
Joey: Joey! Joey.
Waiters: Joey, happy birthday to you.
Joey: Thats the best birthday ever.
End